By: Dr. Andrea Goddard
Everyone feels anxious sometimes, especially children. When a child is feeling anxious, many parents try to “fix” their child’s feelings or solve what is causing their child to feel that way. As a child psychologist, my view is that anxious feelings don’t need solving; children really just need to feel understood and validated.
Here’s a common scenario. Let’s say your child comes home from school and is upset and anxious because their friends weren’t playing with them. Well-meaning parents might say any of the following:
- “Maybe tomorrow things will get better.”
- “Would you like me to call their parents?”
- “What’s wrong with those kids?! You’re so wonderful!”
- “I’m sorry, sweetie. Would you like an ice cream cone?
All of these statements come from a place of love and care, but what your child needs in the moment is to feel understood and that their emotions are valid. That could mean saying something like, “It’s hard to be left out. It’s really upsetting. Is there something you’d like to say to those kids?” And then leave it at that. Let your child take the lead. You can also ask them if they’d like suggestions about what to do the next time they feel left out, like asking to join in or finding another group to play with. The key is that you’re not trying to solve the problem for them – you’re giving your child skills so they can solve the problem themselves next time.
As a child psychologist, my advice to parents wondering how they can support their child if they’re feeling anxious is to connect with them and tell them their feelings make sense so they don’t feel completely alone. Connection creates safety for your child and when kids (and adults) feel safe, they’re less anxious.
To Support Your Child, Engage Your Own Coping Skills
Before a parent can create safety for their kids, they must regulate themselves. If you as a parent are activated about what’s happening to your child, your sympathetic nervous system is firing. You’re in fight-flight-freeze-fawn mode and may launch into counterproductive strategies. If you find yourself in that situation, first, you need to regulate yourself to a point where you can breathe and make sense of what’s happening.
If you don’t take care of yourself first, you’ll come to your child activated or emotionally vulnerable. Fear and anxiety are contagious so if you’re anxious, your child will perceive that and feel even more anxious. They’ll feel that something truly is wrong when that’s likely not true because again, it’s normal to feel upset or have uncomfortable feelings from time to time.
When you as the parent slow down, you help your child feel safe, supported, and understood. You’re demonstrating that your child is not alone with whatever they’re dealing with. Sometimes that’s enough to soothe anxiety but sometimes your child may need something extra. If you’re looking for activities for children with anxiety, I have some recommendations based on my expertise as a child psychologist:
- Box breathing. Breathe in for a count of four, hold for four, breathe out for four, and hold for four. Breathe with your child and do this as many times as they’d like.
- Change the temperature. Have your child hold ice or space cold water on their face.
- Balance on one foot. Balancing on one foot switches the brain from the limbic system to the upper part of the brain where there’s more executive functioning.
- Bend over and touch the toes. This activates the dive reflex. The body enters into a calming, relaxed state because it perceives it’s falling in the air and wants to survive. It’s similar to balancing on one foot in that a different part of the brain is activated.
- Tense and release. Have your child tense different body parts and then release them. This encourages them to relax physically and emotionally.
Let’s say you do all of these things and your child is still feeling anxious. At what point do you need to work with a child psychologist such as myself? As I mentioned in a previous post, it’s time for professional help with anxiety when the feeling or behavior interferes with or impairs your child’s ability to live their life. If the anxiety isn’t lessening, becomes more pervasive, or is lasting longer than before, that’s when a child psychologist is recommended.
There is no manual on parenting and everyone needs help sometimes. My goal as a North Shore child psychologist is to be a resource for parents and families but not the cornerstone of their parenting strategy. I’m here to help, to offer some scaffolding and suggestions, but ultimately, I want kids (and their parents and caregivers) to experience their own breakthroughs in our work together so they can live a happy, fulfilling, thriving life outside of the therapy room.
If you’d like to work together for child therapy, contact us to schedule a free phone consultation or give us a call at (773) 322-1363.